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  • Mar

    HHP: Top Ten Reasons Brian Roberts Will Have A Monster Season

    Written by Larry Hodges alias "larrytt"

    Top Ten Reasons Brian Roberts Will Have a Monster Season

    10) He used to look like Richie Cunningham. Now he looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger in his Terminator days - and for three years he's been saying, "I'll be back." 

    9) He's not really 35. The Orioles last great middle infielder was Cal Ripken, #8, and in base 8, Roberts is only 29. Heck, Roberts plays second base, and in base two he's the greatest eleven-year-old ever to play the game. 

    8) He's going to steal a million bases because he's a natural criminal. In fact, in the off season the Roberts gang holds up trains. After all, Brian Roberts is just an anagram for Train Robbers. 

    7) His spring stats project to a .538 batting average, .923 slugging percentage, .571 OBP, 1.495 OPS, 46 home runs, 92 doubles, and 231 runs scored. It's still early in spring training, and as he gets in better shape his stats will improve.

    6) To opponents, Roberts is pure evil, like a Grinning Rapist - which, of course, is just an anagram for Spring Training. 

    5) The two players who hope to take Roberts place at second base are Flaherty (hitting .231) and Casilla (hitting .167). Together they are hitting .398. Such competition will only push Roberts to higher levels. 

    4) There have been some questions about Roberts's defense, but his spring training stats project, over the course of a long career, to 0 errors, making Roberts the greatest defensive player in the history of the game. 

    3) He's going to be running the bases like the Roadrunner - not to win games, but like the Roadrunner avoiding the coyote, to avoid getting picked up and slung over Chris Davis's shoulder like a Raggedy Ann doll. (Hello Nate McLouth.) 

    2) Brian Roberts spent the last three years in baseball purgatory. The only way out was to sell his soul to Mr. Appelgate. And so once again a team from the Maryland region is going to beat those Damn Yankees!

    1) Only a great icon of baseball like Brian Roberts could con us all into thinking he was through, when his best baseball years are still ahead of him. He hinted at this when he got his concussion - didn't anyone else notice that Concussion is just an anagram for "Icon Cons Us"? It's so obvious!!!

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