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  • Jan
    01

    Top Twelve New Year's Resolutions by Peter Angelos

    Written by Larry Hodges (alias larrytt)

    12) The Orioles will STUN the world in 2014. After all, Resolution is just an anagram for Orioles Stun. Ignore the haters, who think we're crazy since it's also an anagram for Orioles Nuts. 

    11) Whenever an Oriole becomes a free agent, I will tell them "I am your father." If they still insist on leaving, I'll chop off their hand, kill a princess, and destroy Yankee Stadium with the death star laser.

    10) I will bring in ten more second basemen. No, twenty. Heck, a hundred second basemen can't be too many!!!

    9) I will bring in the best aging, over-the-hill sluggers that small sums of money will buy.

    8) I will spend whatever it takes to bring in top players, even if it costs one million dollars.

    7) I will hire the best closer on the market, as soon as the market settles, sometime around August. 

    6) I will pour all the MASN money back into the Orioles; the interest, I mean, minus expenses, taxes, commission, operating fees, and yacht down payment. 

    5) Our players will get to the World Series, even if I have to send them all to the Yankees and Red Sox to join Brian and Koji.

    4) I will search the world for the best arms we can find.

    3) This year we will beat the Yankees, we will beat the Red Sox, we will beat the Rays, and we will beat the Blue Jays. (We get 19 tries each, right?)

    2) I will not meddle with the team as long as what they do is exactly what I want them to do. 

    1) I will sit down and have a long talk with Adam Jones about life, the universe, and those low outside sliders.


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