• Aug
    09

    Baltimore Area Hospitals Report 1050% Increase in Overdoses of Magic

    BALTIMORE, MD--A report issued by Johns Hopkins Hospital with data contributed from over 20 area hospitals indicates that the use of magic is on the rise, especially amongst teenagers and young adults.

    "The biggest new drug den in the city is sitting out there in public, and it's Oriole Park at Camden Yards," said City Councilman Silky Applewine in a statement to the media. "Kids are watching these flashy athletes on TV and thinking, 'Hey, that looks cool! I wanna do magic too!' But they just don't understand the risks, and they're playing with fire."

    The Johns Hopkins report states that overdosing on magic can result in a diverse and potentially devastating series of symptoms, especially depending on the manner in which the magic is ingested.

    "In one variant, called 'Caleb Josephing,' two teenagers dare each other into becoming a 28-year-old minor league catcher who is called up during a pennant race, becomes a lineup regular, and homers 4 times in 4 games," says Dr. Hoopers Vanderbilt, Chief of Medicine at Sinai Hospital of Baltimore. "The whole thing is unbelievably elaborate, painful, and seems like it's going to be waste of time, but then, man, does it hit you. That's the good stuff."

    "I mean, that's what my friend said anyway," added Dr. Vanderbilt.

    "There's also Chris Davising," continued Dr. Vanderbilt. "The kids simply flop on the ground and flail helplessly. We thought they were convulsing but we realized they were actually trying really, really hard."

    But the users of magic don't seem to mind the risk. Many of the kids say they get introduced to it at big parties in college and high school.

    "I was at this one party when Jenny's parents were away," says a high schooler who wanted to remain anonymous. "One moment, someone was passing around the 2012 BUCKle Up Birds DVD. Before you knew it, the whole house was trying to convert from an injured lefty sinkerballer mediocre starter into a force of nature reliever throwing 98 mile-per-hour bowling balls. Everyone was doing it."

    Unsurprisingly, the pushers themselves are shameless about their behavior.

    "Hey man, I'm only providing a service the people want to buy," says Miguel Gonzalez, who meets us on a street corner wearing sunglasses, a wide-brimmed hat, and a trenchcoat. "It's not my fault if you can't parent your kid. Block MASN on your TV, don't come crying to me about it."

    Opening his trenchcoat, Gonzalez says, "Now, do any of you kids want to buy a quality start?"

     

    reported by Barnaby Graves


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