Top Twelve Reasons the Orioles Are the Best Hitters in Baseball
Larry Hodges alias larrytt
12) Let's get the obvious out of the way with some OPS's: Wieters 1.212; Jones 1.069; Reimold 1.059; Davis 1.019; Paulino 1.000; Andino .845; Markakis .800. (Last year's highest OPS: Reynolds .806.) The O's .811 OPS leads the AL by 26 points over Detroit's .778, with the ridiculous Red Sox at .775, the yella Yankees.756, the rat-scum Rays .731, and the bird-brained Blue Jays .693. The O's .483 slugging leads the AL by 14 points over Texas's .469, with the smelly Red Sox at .433, the Yankee scum at .413, the rattled Rays at .396, and the hitless wonder Blue Jays .392. We lead the majors in home runs with 18, while the pathetic Yankees, Rays, Red Sox, and Blue Jays have 12, 11, 9, and 9, respectively. And we are alone at first place in the AL East while all others bow before us. WE'RE THE BEST!!!
11) When your backup catcher is hitting .467 (scaring the bubble gum out of starting catcher Wieters, who's only hitting .344), you know your team can hit.
10) What, no Garret Atkins in the lineup? No experiments? No aging future hall of famers? Just a bunch of . . . hitters?
9) It's not just the bats - the O's lead the AL in stealing percentage at .833, in extra base hits and total bases, are third in doubles, and are third in the all-important category of hit by pitch. And we're also third in the AL in ERA at 3.35 to the Yankees 4.34, Red Sox 5.01, and Rays 6.04. WE'RE #1! WE'RE #1! WE'RE #1!
8) The hot air from congress in nearby Washington (there's a northeasterly breeze, sorry Nationals) heats the air at Orioles Park, and a ball travels a lot farther in the hot, thinner air.
7) Soon we will trade Kevin Gregg to the Yankees (for a Derek Jeter autograph?), and then we'll be facing him the rest of the year. Oh please, oh please....
8) Jones, Wieters, and Reimold already have ambled around the bases for eleven home runs - what do you expect, since Baltimore is just an anagram for Amble Trio? They've sent some balls to balmier climates in South America - what do you expect, since Baltimore is also an anagram for To Balmier? And they've even put some balls in orbit, as noted by some of the balls that scream out after getting hit, "Me Orbital!", which is just an anagram for Baltimore. Of course, the Orioles are just hot right now - after all, Baltimore is just an anagram for Team Broil.
5) With its hundredth year anniversary this past weekend, the Orioles are finally able to put the tragedy of the Titanic behind them and focus on baseball.
4) It took fifteen years, but we've finally grown an entire lineup of Frank Robinson clones, cleverly disguised as Wieters, Jones, Reimold, Davis, etc. Unfortunately, Frank didn't play infield, and the Frank clone playing third ain't fielding so good.
3) Thank the batboy, the one assigned to pumping each ball full of helium when the O's come to bat.
2) Thank Showalter, who changed the policy so that the batboy now pumps the ball full of hydrogen. Now the ball literally explodes off the bat.
1) Kevin Gregg doesn't bat.
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