• Jun
    15

    HHP: Top Ten Reasons the Orioles Will Win the American League East


    by Larry Hodges Alias LarryTT

    10) I was going to list the bullpen ERA's but my magnifying glass isn't strong enough.

    9) I was going to list all the home runs but my calculator doesn't go that high.

    8) I was going to mention the great defense down the middle (Wieters, Hardy, Roberts/Andino, Jones), but we want to keep this a secret from other teams because, for the love of god, we don't want them to start hitting balls down the lines where our first and third basement use ball repellent for gloves and throw with the accuracy of a Star Wars stormtrooper. 

    7) I was going to mention starting pitchers Hammel and Chen, but as any casual observer can see, "Hammel and Chen" is just an anagram for "Had Men Hem Clan," and our team should focus on baseball, not starting up sewing groups. 

    6) I was going to mention the great hitting of Jones (.933 OPS) and Davis (.893 OPS), but it's not a fair comparison as they don't have to face Hammel, Chen, and the Orioles bullpen. Besides, there likely are opposing pitchers reading this and it would be rude to cause them sleepless nights. 

    5) I was going to mention the Orioles manager, but he is at such a level that he cannot be named, like the noseless guy from Harry Potter.

    4) I was going to mention all the hints that birds should win the American League East, which of course is just an anagram for "A True Maniacal GEESE," "CANARIES Ate a Legume," and "EAGLES Unite a Camera." However, there's no "O" in American League East, making it hard to get an Oriole out of it. Besides, do we really want our manager to get sick? After all, it's also an anagram for "See a Cute Manager Ail." (Is he really that cute?)

    3) I was going to point out that this is the best Orioles team of all time, but it wouldn't be nice to point out how much better they are then, say, the 1970 World Champion Orioles, since it's not their fault that they are all 65-70 years old and not as fast as they used to be. 

    2) I was going to point out how much better we are than long-time American League East rivals New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox, but we should learn to respect our tottering, over-the-hill elders. 

    1) Given all this, I frankly can't think of a single reason why the Orioles will win the American League East. They just will.


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