• Jun
    12

    HHP: Top Ten Ways The Orioles Can Get A TOR Starter


    by Larry Hodges Alias LarryTT

    10) We know they're going to introduce a Top of Rotation starter any time now. After all, "Top of Rotation" is just an anagram for "Top Intro Afoot." But beware - it's also an anagram for "Pot Intro Afoot." That can only mean Tim Lincecum. But don't worry, the Orioles reputation cannot be blemished, as it's also an anagram for "Taint Proof Too." (Of course, it's scarily also an anagram for "Titan Proof Too.")

    9) He's playing first base. I mean third base. No, he's in right field. Wait, he's in center field. Um - no, he's catching. Oh My God, we've got an entire starting rotation playing the field!

    8) Forget pitching, bring in a pair of sluggers who can play second base and DH, and win every game 10-9.

    7) The earth rotates on its axis. Want a top of rotation pitcher? Hire an Eskimo.

    6) There are two Bed Bath and Beyond stores in TORonto, and they sell plenty of nice pitchers.

    5) You want a TOR, go to TOR and get reigning Cy Young winner R.A. Dickey and his record of 20-6 and 2.73 ERA last year. Except . . . this year he's 5-8 with an ERA of 5.11. And the rest of their starters also have ERA's over 5.00. Maybe we don't want a TOR from TOR.

    4) Is it too late to give Fidel Castro a tryout?

    3) Trade Davis, Hardy, Machado, Markakis, Jones, McLouth, Wieters, our entire pitching staff, our entire minor league system, and Peter Angelos's entire net worth for five top starters. Hire 20 replacement level players. Pray for complete game shutouts. 

    2) We already have the top five starters in baseball. What's killing us is that NSA eavesdropping program that tips off opposing hitters on the next pitch. 

    1) There are plenty of great free agents out there - pre-injury Roy Hobbs, Henry Rowngartner, Billy Chapel, Steve Nebraksa, Eddie Harris, Ebby "Nuke" Laloosh, Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn, and Peppermint Patty. (Start Googling.)


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