• Jun

    HHP: Top Twelve Things That Will Happen When Brian Roberts Returns

    by Larry Hodges Alias LarryTT

    12) Ryan Flaherty will have this confident look on his face, knowing he'll be the starting second baseman again by the sixth inning. (Taking no chances, he left a banana peel in front of Brian's locker.) 

    11) There are up to 850 muscles in the human body. Brian will pull every one of them by the seventh inning stretch. He should have stretched before the stretch. 

    10) The shock waves from Adam Jones blowing a bubble will give Brian another concussion.

    9) He will follow everyone's advice and slide into second feet first, and will break both feet.

    8) He will not follow everyone's advice and will slide into second head first on his chest, tearing up the front of his uniform shirt and exposing and breaking his ribs. After all, Brian Roberts is just an anagram for "Bare Ribs Torn." Unable to play, he will then retire penniless after blowing his entire $40 million contract on Bengay, band-aids, and aspirin, and will be forced to rob trains for money, as "Train Robbers" is also an anagram of his name. 

    7) He will be carried off the field after a tragic collision with the feather blowing in the wind at the start and finish of "Forrest Gump." 

    6) No one knows what'll happen when Brian Roberts returns. Baseball is like a box of chocolates; you never know which inning Brian will be injured in. 

    5) He will avoid injury the rest of the season, but his fielding range and base running will handicapped by the suit of armor he will be forced to wear. 

    4) An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Brian hates apples. We know how this ends. 

    3) The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind, which will knock Brian over and send him to the emergency room. 

    2) He will score the winning run in his first game and spend the rest of the season in the hospital after a tragic encounter with shaving cream.

    1) He will play errorless second base every inning of every game the second half of the season, hitting .380, stealing 40 bases, hitting 35 doubles, and scoring 80 runs. And pigs will fly through the frozen wasteland of Hell under a blue moon, the Cubs will win the World Series, and Barry Bonds will be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

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